-Whoa, whoa, maybe it's all the creams, that just made sense, girlfriends.
-I don't like to talk about money. But I have exactly ten million dollars.
-I'm still thinking about all the Sanjays.
-I called the florist and ordered one dozen Mylar balloons. Good luck staying mad, honey!
-Yeah, yeah he gives me a hard time. But that's the deal with a father-in-law. The key is I never let him see just how much it devastates me.
-Haley: Dad, that was a stop sign.
Phil: I'll stop twice on the way back.
-Phil: Wow, this place has really changed. Time marches on, huh? See that Starbucks down there, you know what that used to be?
Luke: An orange grove?
Phil: No, a Burger King. You can still see some of the architecture.
-Phil: You're such a great mother. Sometimes I wish you were my mother.
Claire: Oh gosh. I'm already queasy.
-I know I got a lot of baggage, but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist. Just kidding. I'm fine.
-The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."
-In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female... bear, giraffe, what have you... the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
-She's one of my 447 friends. Everyone wants a slice.
-You're doing that thing when you say what I want you to say, but your tone seems mean.
-My boy was in trouble. So I put my fears aside and came to his rescue? Does that make me a hero? Yes it does.
-You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.
-Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties.
-The little snowflake makes it cold, cold, cold. Set Temperature makes it hold, hold, hold...
-I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
-Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both.
-A Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere. But not me. I'm completely clueless.