Friday, July 13, 2012

Where do I go from here?

For as long as I can remember I haven't really worried about my future much. I've always figured things would work out as long as I was doing what I was supposed to. In some ways I think that's a good way to be--less stress, more just enjoying life. On the other hand, when I'm not worried about my future, I don't think about it as much... causing me to procrastinate and making decisions really hard to stick with. Which I'm just a pro at anyway. (So that's probably why I am almost a senior in college and I'm still having doubts about which major to choose). Well, anyway, so for about 20 years I didn't stress out about my future very much. But for the past two weeks I've thought about almost nothing else.

All I've been able to think about are all these questions: "Oh my goodness I have to decide my major... what if I hate English Teaching? What if I regret later that I didn't try something else? What if I was really meant to be something else like a musician/music teacher, psychologist, elementary school teacher? Should I go on a mission? But then I'll be almost 23 when I get back... and am I far enough along in school for that anyway? But it would be so cool! But so scary. Should I do a study abroad? And if so, how am I going to earn that much money? And when would be a good time to go? And where? But would I regret not going? Am I going to be where I want to be in two years? Will I ever graduate college? Am I wasting my time in life in general? What should I be putting my effort and time and focus into? What do I even want to be when I grow up? Am I becoming the kind of person I want to be? Who are the people I should be associating with right now (because that's going to influence what kind of person I am)?"

And yeah... there's more but I'm pretty sure you get the idea. I guess I've just been worried about how much what I choose to do right now is going to influence how happy I am with life in 5-10 years. I have no idea why this suddenly hit me and started worrying me so much. Well, this was starting to really get me down. I talked to one friend about it and he said that whenever he starts feeling like that, he just tries to remember that if he's doing what he's supposed to, things will eventually work out. I guess I really do know that, but it's hard to stop worrying sometimes when you feel a little like you're not in control of your life the way you should be. I thought about what he'd said for a bit and tried to convince myself that that's true and I should just relax. It worked sometimes, but other things happened this week that were just out of my control and I got frustrated.

So one night, Cody was taking me home and he noticed I wasn't doing so great. So, he took me to his house, sat me down, gave me a Tiki Punch (which is delicious by the way), and let me just spill out everything about that particular situation that was frustrating me. I didn't tell him about everything else on my mind... just that tiny part that was stressing me. Cody is getting ready to go on his mission (yay!), so he's very spiritual and he reminded me that I just need to pray about it and to work it out that way. Very good advice. So I went home and I did pray, just for help in knowing what to do. Well, then Cody texted me and told me to look up Alma 38:5 which says: "I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."And let me tell you, that was exactly what I needed to read. That little verse just made me feel so much better. Then I realized, although I do need to worry about these things and I need to work through them rather than avoiding them, I'm going about it the wrong way. I need to trust in the Lord, that as long as I am doing the right things and seeking guidance through scriptures, prayers, parents, friends, and church leaders, I will be perfectly fine and I will make the right decisions. Maybe things won't work out exactly how I want them to, but they'll work out. Even if it takes awhile, if I'm living the gospel it will help me feel peace rather than all of this confusion. So that's what I'm going to work on.

 “It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”
-Gordon B. Hinckley

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